Almost a year later...

Damn, my heart, for still caring about you. I wish I could shut my emotions off and not care at all sometimes. This still is eating away at my heart though I know I should not give a damn about you. Yes, therapy has been somewhat helpful but my heart as well as my mind are both having a hell of a time erasing you from them. Exactly, on the 5th of January it will have been a year I have not heard your voice. I still have trouble sleeping at night (It's 6:44 am CST as I write this blog). I still don't understand how you could just throw 7 years away. Love is such a foolish emotion. I care not to fall in it because it's a royal pain in the culo and I'm the one who ends up hurt. I find it difficult to hate you though my therapist, family, and friends say it's ok to. I can't help but feel bad for you and unfortunately still care. Emotions make life so complicated and I try so hard to avoid them but it seems to me I can not. My mother even suggested that I write a letter to you so I can move on but I know you would not bother to read it nor take the time to write back since ol' skank ho bag has you p****whipped. I wanted to share my world with you but you threw it all away. It's like the song Blurry by Puddle of Mudd... How could you take it all away? Explain yourself to me!!! At night sometimes I cry and I damn well know I shouldn't. It's been a struggle to work you out of my system. It's going to take a long ass time before I no longer shed a tear, think about you, miss you, and even care about you anymore. I know when that time comes when I no longer love you, you'll come running back to me and it'll be far too late by that point. You will feel all the hurt, sadness, and sleeplessness as I am right now. You will realize you had someone who truly loved you for you.  

My mind at night races because your life is a fast pace as is,  
Tears fall down my cheeks, wishing I could escape these memories,
I hate the fact that I still love you, 
Your false promises and hopes destroyed my dreams of you,
How could you be so selfish and cruel? 
One day you'll realize I was right, and thus it will cause fright,
You will be broken, you'll feel this hurt, and you will regret losing me.  


Now if only I could catch some friggin' zzzzz's @ 7:05 am CST.... -.- *sigh* 

What Must I Do In Order To Forget You...

I know I keep on posting on how much I miss my ex-bf. It's been 4 months and still no word from you. Sadly, I miss you. I shouldn't at all but I do. I know your birthday was this past Sunday and I wanted to wish you one so badly. I was in tears lying in bed at my cousin, Arturo's apartment, while thinking of you. I was listening to my iPod and sure enough a song that you love had to come on, "Boom" by The Grouch & Eligh. It reminded me of when you were driving me back to Moreno Valley so I could attend my cousin Ronnie's wedding dinner. That was back on August 20th, 2009, I believe. I had to skip over that damn song to prevent my tears from flowing like a river. Certain things will remind me of you and it's hard to escape them. I damn well know that hood rat has you under her spell and I know she'll never love you like I love you. I have a bad feeling she will hurt you again as she did before hand. Of course I'm the crazy bitch because I speak my mind especially when I'm really pissed off. I can't help it that I'm honest and yes I can be very harsh. I have been trying so damn hard to act as if you never existed but it's been incredibly tough not to. You left my heart on the ground shattered in a million pieces and went on with your life. I wish I did not care about you still. You treated me like dirt and I was very true to you. I guess you'll never understand what loyalty is and there are people you can actually trust. But you must retrograde and get screwed over by your ex-gf's who don't really love you. That's pretty sick and twisted to live ones life like that. It hurts my heart to know I didn't mean anything to you. If you truly loved me you never would've left me for a two timing skank who cheated on you before. Just because someone claims that they have "changed" doesn't mean a damn thing.  Actions speak louder than words. I am a firm believer in that. I really do not know how to forget you. I've been seeing a therapist to help me through this hurt and pain, the emotional scar you left upon my heart. One thing I know is that one day you will regret the day you left me for whatever her stupid name is. Once she puts you through all the same drama, lies, cheating, etc. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I have a lot of love that is deep, true, loyal, and unconditional something I guess you'll never understand. Why do you hurt the ones that love you the most? What have I done to you to be treated in such a terrible manner? It's not cool to deceive and manipulate others feelings. That's just down right disrespectful and cold blooded. I blame myself for thinking you would've changed and maybe understand how I feel. But you never loved so deeply and saw the beauty in someone like I thought I saw in you. I tried so hard to make this work but it was all in vain since you never cared for me like I cared for you. Love is to far complex and it only leaves me in tears since I wear my heart on my sleeve way too much. I wish I wasn't so convinced by those pretty little lies you told me. You filled my mind with dreams only to be broken by your false promises. It's not cool to play with ones head or emotions. Not cool at all. I wish I could forget you, but it's hard when I spent 7 years of my life being devoted to a man who saw me as a game.

Time Sure Does Fly By...

It's funny how time flies by when one is about to graduate college. I can't believe in 2 weeks I'll have my associates degree and I'll graduate with honors. I never thought in a million years I'd be apart of one, Phi Theta Kappa. I wish I could share this joy with two loved ones who passed on in these recent years, Abuela Concha and Tio Manuel. I know you both would be proud and you're watching and protecting us from harm. Another person I wish I could share my happiness and joy with is the one who walked out of my life. God knows how much I miss and still love you. I shouldn't give a damn  about you but I do. I miss our conversations, how you'd bust  a free style, make me laugh, calm my nerves, and set my soul ablaze. Three months and not a word from you, my heart still yearns for your kiss and touch. I try so hard each day to act as if I never knew you at all but quite frankly dear it's been hell. I've been seeing a therapist to help me cope with the loss of love which has me spun up in it's wicked web of deception. I spoke to your mother last Friday and she was so happy that I sent her a birthday present. She was quite shocked I would even go out of my way to do that.

I know deep in my heart she knows that I still care for you and it hurts so bad that I can not tell her how I feel about you. I wish I didn't care so much since it seems to bite me in the ass when I let my heart free. It's a constant battle between my heart and mind to try and let go of you. A war of emotions that run as deep as the oceans and the mind who won't back down telling me to stay strong. As I hear the rain fall outside it reminds me of how my tears fall down my face quietly at night. I miss you. I love you still. I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you. You've touched my soul in many ways more than one and I wish the love between you and I could return. Do you miss me too? Is it your pride that won't let you speak? Or is she controlling your every move. I have a hunch that what's her name is pushing you around. If so I hate to say I told you so... N. M. J, I still love you and care for you. I really do miss you. I am so afraid of getting hurt again, having you play with my mind, sweet talking with pretty little lies, and the tears fall from my eyes. I don't know what else to say or do but if you do read this you know that I miss and love you so still... 

Influenster Sugar-n-Spice 2013 Vox Box First ImpressionsReview!

On Monday, March 18th, 2013, I received my awesome and longingly anticipated Sugar-n-Spice 2013 Vox Box arrived in the mail! I couldn't wait to open it up and see what I got inside. I was familiar with a few products like belVita and Dickinson's Original Witch Hazel Oil Controlling Towellets (which I really love both products!). I also received Splenda Nectresse Sweetner which I never heard of until now; from Colgate's Optic White Regimen I received a toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouthwash; and Vaseline Spray & Go Moisturizer Total Moisture (lotion in a can, we shall see...). I can't wait to use the familiar products as well as the new ones I just go too! I had to share this since Influesnter is a great program to join! It's for free and all you have to do is set up an account, write reviews, earn badges, and see if you're qualified for a Vox Box! Cool right? I'll post a link to join and my YouTube video so you'll get the idea of what I'm talking about... =)


Influenster Link:  http://www.influenster.com/

My YouTube Review Video is up above! 


Also my Pinterest Board dedicated to this cool Vox Box:  http://pinterest.com/chefvero/sugar-n-spice-vox-box-2013-influenster/



Enjoy!

That Sex Show...

I am very intrigued by this show... I even was a part of it. I wish I could find the after show part that I was on....

http://www.logotv.com/video/that-sex-show-episode-14-season-1/1702769/playlist.jhtml


I feel this is an eclectic panel but by that I mean it in a good way, a Doctor (Dr.Mike Dow), Psychic(Dougal Fraiser), former Adult Film Star (Katie Morgan), and the "Lesbian girl next door"/hostess (Heidi Hamilton). They give sound advice and are very informative. I wish this was out when I was a teenager though! Hats of f to you awesome people at Logo and That Sex Show!

International Home & House Wares Show 2013 @ McCormick Place In Chicago...

This past Saturday my mother, father, Aunt Virgina, and I attended the 2013 International Home & House Wares Show at McCormick Place in Chicago. It was pretty cool we go to check out kitchen gadgets/products for the home or restaurant. The coolest part was meeting celebrity chefs at the event! Chef Sarah Gruenenberg (Season 9 Runner up on Top Chef Texas ON Bravo), Stephanie Izard (First female to win Top Chef Chicago Season 4 on Bravo), Ming Tsai (East Meets West on Food Network), Rick Bayless (Won Top Chef Masters Season 1 on Bravo, PBS Show Mexico: One Plate At A Time), Fabio Viviani (Top Chef contestant Season 5 New York, Top Chef All Stars, & Life After Top Chef on Bravo), Duff Goldman (Ace of Cakes on Food Network), and Buddy Valastro (Cake Boss on TLC) to name a few. They were all awesome, except I wasn't able to get a picture of Chef Buddy Valastro though there were too many people around him. It was awesome! I got to try Chef Sarah Gruenenberg's Gnocchi and it's right up there with my Nonni's! Chef Ming Tsai and Chef Fabio Viviani were so funny and entertaining while they did their cooking demos. Chef Rick Bayless & Chef Stephanie Izard were very informative. Plus, I got to taste Stephanie Izard's food which was amazing too! It was a long and crazy day but well worth it. My  Aunt Virginia decided to drive to the city instead all of us taking the South Shore to get to McCormick Place. I know I shouldn't even think about him but as we crossed over the chicago Skyway it made me reminisce about driving over the Port of Los Angeles & the Port of Long Beach. I wanted to cry and I know it's wrong to since he no longer cares for me. It's hard because I miss him so much. Hell, as I'm  writing this damn blog I have an article of clothing that I wore when he and I went to L.A.C.M.A (the art meuseam in L.A.), Olvera Street, and we went to see the Other Guys at a movie theater in Long Beach. I really miss him yesterday it's been 2 months and he and I haven't spoke to one another. It's been so hard for me I miss his voice, and the conversations we had. That fucking skank of an ex-girlfriend had to fuck it up for me! I knew her stupid ass was trying to lure him in and apparently the slut seems to win as always. Why her? She cheated on him, hates dogs, and is some uneducated bitch! Why? I'm the one who really loves you and you damn well know that! ANYWAYS.... 
I wish I could forget you but I can't. I love you, I miss you, I need and want you in my life. 
I know, I need to stop.... I do have pictures from this past Saturday when I went to the International Home & Housewares Show 2013 of the I saw and met. 


Here are the pictures of the International Home & Housewares Show 2013 on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013 at McCormick Place in Chicago, IL:

 Chef Sarah Gruenenberg demoing at the Top Chef Booth... That Gnocchi was amazing! 

 Chef Ming Tsai demoing at the Kitchen Aid Showcase... He was very entertaining. 

Chef Ming Tsai telling us all a story of his Food Network days.

My mom told me to look and Chef Duff Goldman was close to us while we were watching Chef Ming Tsai.  

 Chef Fabio Viviani and I took a quick picture before Chef Rick Bayless started his demo. He was so nice! =)

 Chef Rick Bayless ready to start his demo. It was very educational about lemons, limes, citrus fruit in general, avocados, and Margarita's...

Chef Rick Bayless again...

I wanted to try some of the Guacamole he made. It was much different than the way my family and I make it. He added Hass Avocados, white onion, 2 Serrano chilies, almond butter, grapefruit juice and segments. 

 Chef Fabio Viviani getting ready to do his demo on homemade pasta! 

Chef Fabio was amazing! I loved how he made all of us laugh and we learned how to make pasta in a food processor. 

 
 Chef Fabio said, "It's not hold your horses, it's pace your horses." 

Chef Duff Goldman doing what he does best! 

Chef Stephanie Izard and I before she took on the demo stage! 

 
 Chef Stephanie demoing and sharing her love of Kim Chi, Sea Scallops, Broccoli Rabb, and avocado. 

Chef Duff Goldman & I at his booth. 

Chef Buddy Valastro, the Cake Boss' booth. We got to try his desserts and they were amazing! Plus we got spatulas too. I didn't get to met or take a picture with him.  

 

 Chef Fabio's book wasn't out yet so he gave out autographed pictures of himself. He was awesome!

 

 



 

 

I Really Miss You...

i feel that describes me some what (Check that above)...Well, here I go again pining over you. I try so much not to think about you but it's hard to forget someone you really love. Being "Love Sober" is like a junkie trying to stay away from hard core drugs. Love is such a powerful emotion that can be so beautiful but hurt like hell when you are left out in the cold world. A certain show, a song, an article of clothing that I wore when I was with you, pictures of you and I, somehow flood my mind of happier times and memories. My heart cries out for you and you left me here out on my own. I need you  right now more than ever. I'm going a rough patch and I thought I could rely on you. I feel so hurt that you left me. How could you say that you love me but leave me for someone bitch who did you wrong? I try to lay down to sleep but my mind is so restless since I can't stop thinking about how things went so wrong. You know that I want to be with you but I have to finish college first. I miss you but you could give a f*#$ less about how I feel. My love is so honest, deep, real, strong, and pure. I read something interesting about people with the biggest hearts always seem to get really hurt. I think it's very true. I gave you so many chances, I wanted you to be honest with me, communicate with me, to trust me but I get this feeling you never felt the same. I hate the fact that I try to go to bed at night I cry myself to sleep and you are probably able to carry on without one thought of me. I love you still and I know I shouldn't. I wanted this to work so badly and I felt so alone at times. Did I scare you away? I'm sorry if I did anything wrong that hurt you. I never meant to. I know when I get mad I tend to have a sharp tongue, be extremely blunt and honest. It's not done to be a "know it all" I say things that are the truth not to hurt you. I care for you and I know how women can be very deceitful, manipulative, and down right evil. Hell, Mya, put in a good way, " I know how a woman will try to game you, so don't get caught up because baby you'll lose."  I couldn't agree more with that. I know she is going to hurt you again and you don't believe me. I am very protective and loyal to the ones I love and I don't want you to get screwed over again. You don't think you will but I know deep in my heart she'll fuck you over again and again. I have a funny feeling you'll come running back to me but I'm scared of getting hurt by you again.  You told me that you end up hurting people that care so much about you. I have such a strong feeling that you feel you are not worthy of the love that I or your family and friends want to give to you. You're scared of what's really good for you but you opt for people who treat you like garbage. You are not trash but a beautiful diamond in the rough. You push the ones that love you the most away in fear of getting hurt too. There are people who are willing to be there for you no matter what you're going through in life. I WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU. But you claim to longer need me. I know you still do despite what you say. It seems my loyalty, kindness, and my trustworthy heart get me into so much trouble. It's hard for me to dislike you even though you put me through so much bullshit. I can't find it in my heart to hate you. I just can't. I don't know what else to say. All I can do is count the days and pray to God that things will get better for me to heal and for you to know that I'm the ONE who really loves you. 

Great Things & My Broken Heart...

Today I saw my sister present the flag along with other National Guard Members. I can't believe she's a senior in high school and is about to graduate in a few months. I remember discussing with my parents that I'll be 27 years old when she's graduating high school. Sure enough 9 years later after I graduated high school this time has come for her.It's funny how time flies. I saw kids from my old high school wearing Class of 2014 Lettermen jackets only to remind me my 10 year high school reunion is next year. Damn, it's weird to even think of being out of high school that long. I still remember it like it was yesterday. Cray cray for sure.


I'm still trying not to think about a certain someone but it's been a difficult journey for me thus far not to think about him. I wish my feelings would just go away already but I know it's going to be a while before that even happens. They say it takes about half the time you were in a relationship with someone to fully get over them, so it'll take me about 3.5 years. I'll be 31.5 years old by then. For some reason when I'm typing this out I feel like Carrie Bradshaw is narrating what I'm thinking about and my actions to type it. I think I've watched Sex & The City way too much. Well, Carrie did blog and write relationship articles.

I just had to throw that quote in there from Sex & The City. Oh Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker a.k.a  S.J.P) you do have words of wisdom that us ladies should live by. I should apply this to myself but my mind heart and mind seem to be in two different places. Damn having feelings sometimes they seem to always screw with my head (and heart)! 

 

This is how I feel, why do I keep holding on to him when he left me for some skank ho ex girlfriend who cheated on him with her ex from 5years ago. When will my heart stop yearning for you. When will you learn that I'm the one who really loves you but your selfish actions you could give a damn less about how I feel.  

Ugh, the dating world for a late 20 something woman... It's a royal pain in the ass to find a guy who appreciates a good woman. Except, stupid sluts and bitches tend to win over men. To hell with the smart, loving, loyal, faithful, honest, respectable, hard working, kind, caring woman. That's a no no. Sometimes I feel I'm just better off single with no bull shit or petty drama to deal with if you know what I mean. Here's another lovely quote from Ms. Carrie Bradshaw for us ladies.....

My aching heart....

I totally can relate to UnderTakerFreak1127, this video describes my feelings.... 

My heart aches for you...

Why did you leave me for someone who used you?

Nights I cry myself to sleep,

Praying to God that I don't become weak,

My intentions are pure, honest, and true,

Why did you leave me so damn blue?

I wish I could forget you but it's so damn hard,

You have hold on my heart,

Left me for some bitch who hurt you before,

It seems to me you refuse to see what is standing in front of you,

A woman who truly loves you for you,

I wanted you to change for yourself, never for me or anybody else,

If that's not REAL LOVE  than what is?

I wonder why the ones we love hurt us the most,

How could you lie to me?

I trusted you with my heart,

I was there for you no matter what,

The good or the bad,

Loyalty, love, respect, honesty, and trust is what I gave to you,

But you threw it all away for someone I know, deep in my heart, that is going to use you again,

Maybe you'll understand how I feel when she plays with your emotions, makes you cry, lie like she did before, and goes back to her ex boyfriend yet again,

I know one day you'll come back to me,

Realizing that I'm the one who really loved you,

I'm trying to pretend you never existed like you treat me,

Treating me like a total stranger,

I pray to God one day you'll find peace within your life,

I know you're still hurting from your past,

I can feel it though you think you are fine,

Deep down inside, I know you cry,

My heart still yearns for you,

I wish I didn't care so much,

As Aaliyah said, "Took my kindness for a sign of weakness"


My heart still friggin' yearns for you, though it shouldn't..


I had to write this somewhat poem to get my feelings out there. I just don't understand why people we love so much hurt us so badly. During the night my mind constantly races on why you left me for some bitch who left you 5 years ago for her f****ing ex-boyfriend. You claim, "She's changed" when in reality you now are living in a fantasy. I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer, more than likely she's just using you again. You refuse to hear the truth but would much rather have a royal bitch use you and break the heart of a real, loving, loyal, honest, caring, true, lady. People don't realize that the one who loves them they end up hurting them the most. I may not be "perfect" but I am willing to except you for you. I never wanted to try and change you.  I miss you so much, to me the distance never mattered. You were always in my mind and heart. I pray to God that you will heal from your past and you'll realize there are people who want to be there through the thick and the thin. There are people who really care for you, but you hurt them badly. I miss you and I know you could give a damn less about my feelings. It sucks to be in love with a guy who hurt me so bad. I wanted to work things out and never give up. But you walked out on me and left a hole in my dying heart. Did I even mean anything to you? Did you just use me to get back at that heinous bitch who did you dirty? Shame on you if you did. When will you learn that I'm the one woman WHO LOVES YOU!